Monday, December 11, 2017

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Namor Is Brittle!

Namor is...well, you know how he is.

But how about a story where he gets pissed off at everyone, above and below the surface?

We start with Namor discovering a previously unknown deep sea trench near Europe:




OK, bad guys then!

But Namor gets away...because he packs a shiv!!

Octopussies!!

Anyway, humans--European humans, at least--are dickweeds, too!

Wait!!

You're talking to a hybrid mutant ruler of an amphibious race--one who saved your hash during WWII--and you have doubts about the existence of octopus men?!? Are you mad?

Well, you can guess what happens immediately.


Man, I love that panel. Bill Everett rules, guys.

Of course, the humans come crawling to Namor for help now...


Again...people need to say "Bah!" in comics more often!!

The funny part--they still don't believe Namor. It can't be octopus men--it must be Americans!!


The EU (or whatever, I'm on a roll) used depth charges to seal up most of the tunnels. Fortunately for America's sake...there are a couple of stragglers left!




So now Namor hates everyone, under and over the sea. We all suck!!

I think Namor just needs his own planet, where he won't have to interact with anyone for awhile!

By the way, lest you scoff at octopus men...


...this video clearly shows that octopi only about 5 minutes away from evolving enough to murder us all in our beds.

So, when Namor warns you about octopus men, you'd damned well better listen!!

From Human Torch #38 (1954)

Manic Monday Bonus--Long Live The Revolution!!

Man, if there's anything I like better than a Red Tornado story,it's a Red Tornado story where the bad guys spout bad Marxism at you the whole time!!

Red Tornado is malfunctioning so badly that he can't use the JLA teleporter or signal device to get help--but he apparently is well enough to use the telephone to call a local electronics store to see if they have a tool he needs, and take a bus down there.

Yeah, makes no sense, but Red Tornado, right?

Unfortunately, the electronics shop has been taken over by...Marxist terrorists!!


Yes, they are laying it on thick. Thank you, Gerry Conway.


Don't worry...Red Tornado to the rescue!

Sigh...



Don't worry...Reddy has his second wind!

Nice prioritizing there, pal--get the costume changed first, then go after the terrorists. Sigh...

Prepare yourself for discussion that's more Marx Brothers than Marx:



I guess we have to rely on the civilian to save the super-hero!



Well, that was pretty bad.

I guess the lesson is that, when even a malfunctioning Red Tornado can beat you, your political philosophy might be doomed.

From World's Finest Comics #269 (1981)

Manic Monday--We All Bow To The Power Of...Mallo?!?!

I'm willing to bet that you had no idea who the most powerful being in the DC Universe is? Well, pre-Crisis, at least? You're about to find out!

Back in the day, DC Comics Presents had a recurring back-up feature, "Whatever Happened To...?" It took a look at older (usually Golden Age) DC heroes who hadn't got a lot of attention of late. This was years before Secret Origins became a regular ongoing, so it was a welcome way to give modern audiences some exposure to older heroes (not to mention an exercise in trademark preservation!)

In DC Comics #30 (1981), we get Whatever Happened To The Golden Age Atom. Al Pratt comes home to find some burglars making off with his stuff.

Bad move for them...

 EXCEPT!!!

 What happened? Well, our story is interrupted by an apparently omnipotent cosmic being!!


 Wait...WTF?!?!?!!?!?!?!

This raises so many goddamned questions.

First off, this character was created by Bob Rozakis--he's The Answer Man!! He must know what he's talking about, right?!? So this has got to be 100% canon--there's a guy in a big comfy chair going around manipulating people and powers to "preserve the balance between parallel universes"??? And seriously, would two guys having different powers really knock the cosmos out of alignment? Why does the cosmos care that two guys named Atom have different abilities? Would it have been OK if one of them had a different name?!?

And where the hell was Mallo guy during Crisis (any of them, really)? Is he related to Metron--after all he's cosmically aware in a big ol' chair? What about other "imbalances"--Black Canary? Red Tornado? What about imbalances between other universes? Is this guy the reason Kid Eternity got switch from Earth-X to Earth-S?

AAGGGHHHH!!! See what you've done to me, Rozakis!?!?

Anyway, Pratt got Palmer's powers for awhile--size changing belt and all:

 He goes on to roust the burglars, and...


WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!

For the record, it turns out this was Mallo's second (and final) appearance. The previous month, in the Atom back-up in Action Comics #515 (1981), Mallo gave Earth-1 Atom the 5' height and atomic super-strength of Al Pratt, and he used it to beat up some kidnappers. And after this second story, Mallo was never seen again.

So what happened? Why couldn't we even get a "Anti-Monitor wipes him out to show how badass he is" scene? Why didn't Grant Morrison use him as the villan in Final Crisis or Multiversity--Mallo was way better than the villains he actually did use (ssshhh).

The DC Multiverse awaits your return, Mallo....maybe in the end of Doomsday Clock?

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Bold Fashion Choices--No, Not Nick Fury Bitten By Radiocative Fabric!

Let's talk about...

Who dat?!?

Birdie Phillips? Augustine Chacon? Is this a western, or a James Bond novel??

Nope, definitely a western:

Seem she's the Gingham Fury because...well, she wears gingham, and gets pretty furious at rustlers!

See? GINGHAM!!!

Birdie is pretty tough!




"The Girl In Gingham"!!


Now, Birdie does occasionally wear non-Gingham outfits:

But to the surprisingly fashion-aware owlhoots of the day, she has one defining characteristic:

"Remember, Joe? I was wearin' my flannel shirt, the red plaid one, and you wuz sporting that cute  gaberdine coat?"

Don't worry, she gets back into her gingham outfit before the end of the story. After all, if a western hero is defined by their clothing, well, they had best be wearing that clothing!!

Sadly, this was Birdie's only appearance...the comic was canceled, never to return. And Augustine Chacon got away at the end, too! Now we'll never know!!

NOTE: If you say or type "gingham" too many times, your brain/tongue/fingers will begin to play nasty tricks on you.

GINGHAM!!

From Western Bandit Trails #3 (1949)