Tuesday, February 20, 2018

The Magic Of Reading Comics Written In 1977!!

Hank, Jan and special guest Nighthawk have just stopped the Porcupine--yes, the Porcupine--from robbing one of Jan's fashion shows...


Oh, yeah!!



Man, that never got old!!

From the same issue...

"People beeper."

The Avengers--always keeping things topical!!

From Avengers #167 (1978)

"Chicks Are All The Same!"

There's one thing you've got to say about a Simon & Kirby romance comic--the story frequently doesn't go the way you think it's going to!

Let's start with Mary, working at her father's diner when Trouble (with a capital T) wanders in...


Well, Tommy's about to do some crime...





Now, you've read this story a hundred times, right?

Tommy is going to reform, and get together with Mary, right?

Especially when Mary's "steady," Andy, is such a stuffed shirt!



Yeah, Andy is toast, right? Mary's going to go for reformed bad boy over unsympathetic and boring jerk, right?



"Yes, I suppose you might say that!" There's a relationship that's going to last!


Yup, turning up the asshole quotient ain't gonna work, Andy...



And Tommy clinches the deal, right...?

WRONG!!

"As my own sister"?!?!?!

"Chicks are all the same! They've just got to know their man will fight for them!"?????

Oh, man, that's a sucky result. Tommy's reward for reforming...is to be her "brother"?!? And Andy is rewarded for being possessive and violent?

And the title and opening caption said that each boy "wanted to be the...LADY'S CHOICE." But Tommy didn't want to, and she didn't want to choose him, and.....

Oh, man, this one is going to hurt my head all day...Romance comics, man.

From Young Romance #85 (1956), as reprinted in Young Romance: The Best Of Simon And Kirby's Romance Comics (2012)

Monday, February 19, 2018

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--The Many Tears Of Miss Jane Peters!

Big discovery day at Unnamed University!!

I'd pretend to be mature by not making a joke about "that small speck near Uranus," but honesty compels me to admit that I already made the joke via Twitter yesterday. Hey, I'm not made of stone!

Anyway, Miss Peters is kind of sad that Professor Masters is more concerned with planets than current events:

Gotta love that single tear running down her cheek.

Later, after a close encounter with an atom smasher turns him into the American Crusader and he save the U.S. from a coup by an evil senator who wants to become dictator (reminder--the Golden Age laughs at the concept of decompression!!)...


Damn, again with the single tear!! Jane is really upset that Archie is ignoring the state of the world!!

Or maybe she spent some time in prison, and it's just a tattoo...Good on you, Archie, for hiring ex-cons!

From Thrilling Comics #19 (1941)

Manic Monday Bonus--Why We're Pretty Sure That George Clooney Isn't In Witness Protection!

It's time for...

or, How Stupid Can You Be?






Or, maybe, more like "proving again that idiots who are on the lam shouldn't put their faces out in mass media because man, that would be unforgivably stupid."

Plus, maybe tell casting agents not to give out your address?!?

From Adventures Into Darkness #14 (1954)

Manic Monday--Thor's B.R.S. (Beast Retrieval System)!!

The Guardians of The Galaxy have, without warning, bopped their massive space station back in time, to 1978!

The Avengers go to investigate! The Beast and the (classic) Guardians don't recognize each other, so fighting ensues!!

How to stop this?!?



Whoop indeed!!

That was one heck of a bit of aim there, Thor--throwing Mjolnir so that it would perfectly ensnare Hank's foot (while he was in motion!) in it's handle!

I wonder if he could do that to, say, fetch the remote control from the other side of the room...

From Avengers #167 (1978)

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Anti-Climax!!

Kids, it's time for one of those "you-solve-it" mysteries, from the pages of Climax #2 (1955)!


The answer?

Well, sadly, it turns out that there was no "future issue of Climax!" #2 was the last issue!! Now we'll never know the truth!!

Well, we can't have that! There are no prizes, certainly no $25 war bonds, but feel free to submit your answers in the comments here. How did the detective know the nephew was lying? Why did he do it? Would the solution stand up in court? Did the detective's pipe contaminate the crime scene?

Or, if you're daring, you could send your response to the address they give...maybe there's some old dude there just waiting for the correct response, like in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. Maybe there's a whole cache of unopened responses there, and you can lead a class action suit against the publishers of Climax for never giving out the promised rewards!

Have at it!

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Atom's Awkward Moment!

Hawkman and Hawkgirl are out doing good deeds...

...when they get a surprise visitor!

Why is Atom there? He has an offer!!

But only for Hawkman!?!

Oh, Atom. Perhaps you could have chosen a better time and place than in the middle of a public event to humiliate Shayera like that? You're lucky she was so gracious about it.

And yes, while there was indeed such a JLA by-law in those days, I think we can all pretty much hear a "but we already have 1 girl" hidden in Ray Palmer's "er," right?

From Justice League Of America #31 (1964)

Friday, February 16, 2018

Friday Night Fights--Armor Wars Style!!

Sometimes the best Friday Night Fight is one that didn't actually happen...in Marvel-616, at least.

Yeah, the Watcher is breaking the rules by telling all of us about one of them there alternate reality thingamabobs.

Long story short? On this Earth, when Hulk quit the Avengers (in Avengers #2 (1963), natch), Thor also quit, because he thought Tony Stark was being a jerk--go figure. So Giant-Man and the Wasp quit, too, because without Thor and Hulk, they think "'the Mighty Avengers' is a joke!"

Ahh, but Namor and the Hulk still team-up to conquer the world, and still need to be stopped. So like a man with a hammer who sees every problem as a nail, Stark "fixes" things by making suits of armor for Rick Jones & Pym & Jan.

They're reluctant, so Tony super-charges his own armor and goes off to face the terrible twosome alone. He puts up a good fight, but ends up getting beat badly.

Fortunately, the others come to their senses, and come to help. But are they too late?






Take that, Hulk!!

Just as in "our" world, the Avengers manage to break up the alliance. But in this world, the cost is higher...

Awwwww...

Spacebooger wants the next Marvel Event to be Tony making armor for literally every hero.

Mark Waid's favorite Avengers story is from What If? #3 (1977), by Jim Shooter (writer, co-plot), Gil Kane (pencils, co-plot) and Klaus Jansen (inks)

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Consider the cruel outcome in an alternate universe where you voted for someone else!! So go and vote!!