Sunday, March 26, 2017

Aim High, Claire Hannon--Aim High!!

There are high stakes politics, and then there are HIGH-STAKES POLITICS:

Blown up for emphasis:

Aim high, Claire Hannon--aim high!!!

Doctoral theses in political science have been written over the power struggles to control the Lawnhaven Square Women's Club.

The Lawnhaven Square Women's Club would later go on to rule the world...until ruthlessly crushed by Darkseid.

From Romantic Story #13 (1951)

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Why Captain Marvel Would Get On Well With Wonder Woman?

Much has been made of the bondage aspects of early Wonder Woman comics.

But where's the talk about the Marvel Family?

Every issue--I mean literally every issue--has at least one story where the hero(es) are captured, bound and gagged in their non-Marvelous form. Every. Goshdarned. Issue. Fawcett City must lead the nation in gag sales.

Of course, gagging is a necessary story contrivance, given the nature of their powers. Still, it can come across as, well, kind of creepy to modern eyes, to constantly see children bound and gagged.

Of course, Billy and Mary and Freddy always managed to get the gag off in the nick of time...which probably says something about the knot-tying competence of the average criminal they faced.

Sometimes, though, the way they removed the gag was quite...well, freakin' painful. 

Billy has been--surprise--bound and gagged, and stuck inside a "time capsule" not to be opened until the year 5000!!

Billy, though, doesn't mind living with the pain it takes to get out:

OK, a concussion and severe head lacerations?

And now severe facial cuts. Geez, Billy, you might have been better off taking the time to chew through the gag...

The Marvel Family. Pain and bondage. Your move, Wonder Woman!

From Marvel Family #33 (1949)

Friday, March 24, 2017

Friday Night Fights--Triple Doom Style!!

Short but sweet for tonight's Friday Night Fights!

Three Doctor Dooms have taken over the grand opening of the Avengers' new headquarters. Surprise--they're Doombots!

So Captain America takes care of his:

The Vision--who is radder than you think--has little problem with his:

And finally, well, it's Rage against the machine!

Triple knock-out!!!

Spacebooger want to see an all-out Doombot vs. LMD war.

3 Doombots, 3 loud finishes from Avengers #333 (1991), by Larry Hama, Herb Trimpe (breakdowns) and Tom Morgan & Reggie Jones (finishes)

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? Where there's 3 Doombots, there are probably more--so be safe and vote for the only proven Doombot eliminator! Now go vote!!

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Revealed: The Plot Of The Defenders Netflix Series!!

The Avengers are trying to track down the latest incarnation of The Sons of The Serpent... more time, Cap?

Oh, SNAP, Cap!! Rip the "non -team" for their non-record keeping!!

So, that's gotta be the plot for Netflix's Defenders, right? Steve Rogers shows up and puts them through filing boot camp!!

Hey, it beats fighting the Hand (again)...

From Avengers #342 (1991)

That Time Lobo Fought The Avengers And The New Warriors?!?

Covers never lie!

OK, OK, that's not Lobo. The colorist of the cover blew it...the character doesn't have chalk white skin on the inside of the book. So we just have a cover where it just looks like Lobo is kicking as in the Marvel Universe.

So who is this guy?

He's the energy/emotions vampire who was the early 90s version of the Hate Monger (he later changed his name to Animus).

And how do we really know that he's evil?

Because he keeps quoting the Rolling Stones?!?!

BONUS RAINY DAY ACTIVITY: Take the Heat Miser song, and replace the words "Heat Miser" with "Hate Monger." Sing loudly!!

From Avengers #342 (1991)

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Oliver Queen--Bastion of Journalistic Ethics (Eventually)!

A couple of weeks ago, we took a gander at just how good a journalist Oliver Queen was during his "former billionaire writes a column for a major metropolitan newspaper" phase. We were all pretty impressed, actually.

Well, now it's time to see how Oliver performs under actual pressure.

A "stoolie" gave him a hot tip about a secret mob drug deal, which allowed Green Arrow to put a kibosh on the operation.

But it also attracted the attention of the police...

Oh, Oliver...

Now, you'd think that the editor of a major metropolitan newspaper would support his star reporter protecting a source. Surprisingly, though, George Taylor of the Daily Star apparently skipped that day in journalism school...

Journalism Rule #1: "Only protect your sources if they're fine, upstanding citizens. Betray the scumbags as quickly as possible!"

And so, the police take the next step...

Things don't go well in court for Oliver:

And you'd think his super-hero girlfriend might take his side. But, no:

Just to remind you, this snitch blew a major mafia drug deal, and might very well be killed if his name is revealed. "But is it so much"?!?

Anyway, as he is wont to do when actual thought weigh upon him, Oliver heads for his Deserted Island Of Solitude:

I'm kinda shocked that Oliver never turned this place into an amusement park or something...

Now he's finally come to a decision:


Apparently, they never had Woodward and Bernstein on Earth-1.

But his real reason for giving in?

He'd rather keep getting regular nookie than protect his source!!

Dinah, who's seemingly had a change of heart, talks Oliver down...

Which, when you translate the psycho-babble, means:

Oliver Queen--doing the right thing (eventually).

Serious question: did this ever happen to Clark Kent? I mean, there has to have been a story where Clark was forced to choose between revealing a source or doing jail time, but he can't do the jail time because Superman is needed and...They MUST have done that story, right?!? Anyone?!?

From World's Finest Comics #274 (1981)

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

How To Build Your Own Library!!

Need a lot of books quick and cheap?

Talk about the Quarter Bin!!

Just look at some of these "love story" titles:

"Brought up among Nudists all her life..."!!!

Alec? Ted?!?

These are all real books--you could actually order most of them individually on Amazon today, albeit for considerably more than 25¢...

 Is it wrong of me to hope that this book was written by the Helen A. Keller?!?

The moral? When you see ads in comics for lurid collections of "sexy" novels--BUY THEM ALL AT ONCE!!

From The Perfect Crime #30 (1952)

Monday, March 20, 2017

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Marvel's Crowded, Crowded Europe

Roberto Da Costa giving a briefing:

Man...on the border of Latveria AND Symkaria!! What can poor Lichtenbad do?!?

(To those rising to snarky response, Lichtenbad is a "real" Marvel nation, in that it's been around since Daredevil #9 (1965). So no, you can't blame the current creative team for the name...)

Throw in Sokovia, Transia, Morvania, Ksavia, Carpasia, Slorenia, Rumekistan--I'm sure I'm forgetting just as many others as I've already listed--and it's a surprise that anyone in Marvel's Europe has room to move...

From U.S.Avengers #4 (2017)

Manic Monday Bonus--Birth of A Super-Villain?!?

Look, we just know this guy is destined to become a Marvel villain, right?

Not to mock too much--I know from experience as a speech coach that many, MANY people could do wonders in their lives by learning to speak a little better.

But just look at the guy!

A scary-looking guy named Feuchtinger who is going to give you a "power voice"???

I can see the whole story...he's a success, but a treacherous partner decides to steal ther income, and leaves him for dead. But he survives, the experience--near death? Exposure to his "process" for 48 hours as he lays beneath rubble inhaling hard water vapors?--reaches undreamt levels of power, and now a has a "super" voice which can command others, and cause things to happen. And so he goes on a revenge quest, initially stopped by Spider-Man and Ghost Rider in an issue of Marvel Team-Up, but eventually just becoming another super-villain who menaces every Marvel hero...until Galactus comes looking for a new herald...

See, this is why I'm not allowed to write comic books. Ever.

From The Perfect Crime #30 (1952)

Manic Monday--Monday Morning Mantra!!

Once again, we here at Slay Monstrobot want to help you start the week with maximum energy and efficiency.

So please, please repeat this as often as possible at work/school today:

(Remember, of course, to make it gender appropriate. Daimon Hellstrom is equal opportunity in his dark and horrible power.)

From Patsy Walker, A.K.A. Hellcat #16 (2017)

Sunday, March 19, 2017

When Hal Jordan Called Out Superman For Sexism (And was Right!)

It's a rough life when you're a flying cop from Thanagar:

10 hours?!?!? Frak you, Katar!!

But something tells me you're not going to be enjoying that luxurious rest for long...

Yup, you've been dumped!

[Special note for those keeping track: Katar Hol wears tighty whities!!]

Anyway, Katar runs up to the He-Man Woman Haters Club JLA Satellite...

 ...but he was too late. Shiera is gone!

Lots of sympathy from his male comrades, though...

Sound of needle scratching vinyl. Thousands of women throughout the galaxy look up in shock. Was that Hal Jordan saying that?!?

Damn. Hal!! Get in the Big S's face!! Woooo!

Anyway, the big guns decide that, without more info, they won't be able to track Hawkwoman down...

Hal Jordan--feminist?!?

Great--Hal's attempts to get Superman woke have left him a quivering mass of indecision.

So anyway, Halkman goes home and goes on a week long bender. Seriously.

From World's Finest Comics #274 (1981)